Let people be wrong about you!
“Let people be wrong about you!”
I remember the first time I heard someone say that many years ago, very early in my own healing journey, it hit me hard in two very conflicting ways…
It did not feel good at all and the part of me that was still so desperate for approval and validation was like “HELL NO.” The idea of people being wrong about me, or thinking poorly of me terrified me.
But simultaneously, I felt my whole nervous system relax, and this wave of deep truth rolled through me. Like, “oh, yeah, I can just let people have their own opinions that probably have nothing to do with me.”
So for all you people pleasers out there, notice what happens somatically (in your body) or emotionally when you read these words again…
Let people be wrong about you!
Any HELL NO’s?
Any “yeah, that feels good?”
What else do you notice when you consider letting people be wrong about you?
If you are/were a people pleaser or perfectionist on the scale that I used to be, then I know this is not going to be a comfortable suggestion.
I know that letting people be wrong about you (which includes not approving of you, not liking you, not valuing you, not being happy with you, etc.) might feel akin to self annihilation. Because I know that for many of you getting approval and validation, often through the self protection strategy of people pleasing, is how you learned how to get through some really tough situations in childhood (and possibly still in adulthood).
So to some of you it may feel like I am asking you set the house on fire.
This is because when we grow up in dysfunctional environments or are impacted by unhealthy relationships in which we only ever got attention for being a good girl, or achieving, or not having needs (or any of the other unhealthy conditions that give birth to people pleasers), so much of our nervous system regulation is reliant on what other people think and feel about us, what we can do for them, or how we can be good enough for them.
It can be difficult to see how desperate the people pleaser is to be understood, valued, appreciated, liked, approved of. I mean, why else would we go to such great lengths to be good enough?
If so many people didn’t feel such a deficit of meaningful attention and healthy approval, I can guarantee you that there would be less people giving TEDx talks, social media wouldn’t be such a big thing, and way more people would be way more okay living a simple (dare I say, mediocre) life.
After living in the San Francisco Bay area for over a decade working with people in tech, finance, healthcare, and yes, even in corporate mindfulness, all I can say is that the striving (a.k.a. people pleasing) is off the hook! I can even remember a former MBSR student who used to come into class crying every week about how much they hated their toxic job at a worldwide household name corporation (ahem, Facebook), but was so afraid to walk away because “what will people think of me? What if I let people down?”
So, let's try this again…
Let people be wrong about you!
What did you notice this time?
So here is the thing. We have a really basic human need for healthy approval, being valued, being understood.
Caring, supportive relationships are essential to our well being.
And it is totally normal, adaptive even, for a child in a dysfunctional system, whose basic needs for attention aren't getting met to adopt self protection/emotional survival strategies which may include sidelining their own needs, pleasing people, or striving to be good enough.
The tough part is when we carry that over into our adult lives, not yet realizing that we don't have to please our caregivers anymore, not yet realizing that we can now, as grown ass adults, choose healthy, affirming connections in which we don't have to prove ourselves or please others in order to be loved.
I think there is something POWERFUL (and profoundly healing) in letting people be wrong about us. It is powerful to no longer need to convince others of our value, to finally seek out those who are emotionally available and want to value us as we are, and to remember that the degree to which someone else cannot see/value/appreciate us is often relative to the degree they cannot see/appreciate/value themselves.
Which is to say that their relationship to us is more about their relationship with themselves.
This is especially important for those of us who grew up desperate for approval & acceptance. When we get caught in that tangled dynamic of wanting someone to approve of us, someone who doesn't approve of themselves, we are almost guaranteed to be disappointed, to feel unseen.
Which includes the likelihood that they will be wrong about us.
To that I say... let them be. Let them be wrong about us.
Let us do the work of learning to identify and then surrounding ourselves with people who do value us. I know this work can at times be painful. And it will require us to grieve and let go. But it will eventually yield a depth of self acceptance and love that can hold us in a way that no amount of people pleasing, or getting people to approve of us ever will!
For those of you who want to finally get free of people pleasing, approval seeking and measuring up, and learn to connect with the parts of you that are already good enough, I am here to support you…schedule a free, no pressure consult call to learn more… https://www.nicholeproffitt.com/appointments-3