A SELF LOVE STORY, in 4 parts

Alternatively known as…

Kissing that old pattern of looking for love / acceptance / proof of your worthiness in all the wrong places GOODBYE!

Part 1 : NEVER AGAIN

Let me tell you a story about looking for Love, Acceptance, and proof of my worthiness in all the WRONG place. Actually, let me not tell you about it, because it is long, painful and messy. But I will tell you this: I ran that pattern into the ground until there wasn’t any part of me left. Somewhere in my late 20’s, I realized I couldn’t find myself anymore because I had so thoroughly abandoned myself in the search of everyone’s approval. And after another challenging relationship in which I gave myself over to someone who was never going to see / love / accept me. I woke up one morning and decided NEVER again. Never again would I abandon myself, or look for my value in places it could never be found.

Part 2 : SEEING IS BELIEVING

The first time someone pointed out that I was looking for love in all the wrong places, I was like “No way, I am a grown-ass, Independent woman”. But thank God I had already been practicing meditation for a while, so I was able to get curious and take a good long look at what I was doing. And I’ll be damned, there it was, staring me straight in the face… all the people-pleasing, abandoning myself, and approval seeking I had been doing. And I saw all the harm it had caused me, and all the harm I had caused others, as a result. It was an ugly truth. But by just seeing it, and seeing it for what it was, it became a freeing truth!

Part 3 : LOVE THE FOOLISH LOVE!

To begin to heal this pattern, I had to remember that I learnt these behaviors in a dysfunctional family system where most if my basic needs were often not met. In the absence of parental stability, safety, and secure attachments, I had internalized the belief that I was fundamentally NOT okay / good enough / valuable / worthy. I learned how to abandon my own needs so I could get what little love was available. I had to remember that I learned these behaviors in my childhood as a trauma response, but now as a “grown-ass independent woman”, I could source my value from a much more nourishing well… within myself. I no longer needed to abandon my needs, do other people’s emotional labor, or seek approval. But, I had to start with compassion. I had to have compassion for myself just as I was, and love & accept myself, despite all the foolish love I’d chased.

Part 4 : REALIZING I AM “THE ONE”.

Now, this is where the Self Love party really got started: The more curious I got about this pattern of looking outside myself for love and validation, I started to notice (among many other unsavory behaviors) that almost every time I saw an attractive man, It would trigger this really painful pattern of wondering “did he see me, does he think I’m attractive?” or even worse “is he the one?”. Sometimes, I would even position myself to be seen by him, as if on some level, it would heal that part of me that felt so completely unseen. It is embarrassing to admit, but, it’s the frank truth of how empty I felt inside. I was so desperate for approval or love. I will say more about this on the next slide, so keep scrolling sister…

Post Script: I LOVE ME. AND I LOVE YOU.

”Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape” – bell hooks

You see that was what I was doing. I was looking for love and approval outside me, so I didn’t have to feel the pain of my aloneness inside me. I was looking for somebody, anybody to make me okay. To make me good enough. To make me worthy. But I had to find that within myself. And it took me finding that love and acceptance within myself, to understand how to love someone else without using them. To love them for who they are, not what they can do for me. So these days, I love me first, and that is what allows me to love you.